In May of 2012 I watched my late father pass from this world. He died in a hospital bed surrounded by his entire family and close friends.
When they unplugged him from the machine (because he was said to be brain dead after a stroke) it took another two hours before he passed and took his last breath.
Watching someone die is a beautiful yet traumatising experience. With those who have the eyes to see and open themselves up to not only just the physical aspect of this kind of experience, but if they truly open their eyes to the spiritual aspect of this experience, you truly get to take part in a new awareness and heart expansion. I had the gift of this experience, witnessing my father's soul leave his body. Wanting to him to stay, and hold on so that I could finally reconcile with him, and surrendering to time. It was just his time.
At the time for me there was such a mixture of emotions that were pervading me. I was filled with a guilt, anger, and sorrow ...because I had shut my father out of my life for two years prior. I didn't have any contact with him, and I threw out most of all the letters that he sent to me. You see I had to do this for my health, ( we had a tumultuous relationship and it was the best thing I could do for myself during those days) it took me many years to realise that I did exactly what I needed to do, it was extreme yes... but exactly where I needed to be at that time.
It did give me a new perspective about TIME, and how we spend it. It's precious...
Anger propelled me to do what was healthy and it motivated me to move forward. And it also went further... I held that anger close to my heart, it made my softness turn more and more into stone, and for two years I let the aversion to the process of forgiveness take ahold. I am now grateful to have had that very valuable lesson.
It was very hard to have a conversation, conversations with someone who is no longer alive. It was hard but it was also possible. I made it through and now I see myself and my father from a new lens.
While my father was said to be brain dead.... what I witnessed was nothing short of a higher intelligence in during his last moments. He let out sighs, and cries which held the same sounds, & vowels of the names of my brothers and sister. Over and over he was repeating his children's names in this language that was entirely vibrational, heart wrenching, and pure. The cries of a dying man calling out to his children..
-In between the gurgling of his body trying to hold on to this world with a mixture of his dominant spirit and soul taking a hold preparing him for the next world.. His voice came through loud and clear. Nicole, Jesse, Jordan, Benjiman.... in his own way...let us know his last words.
My younger brother pointed it out, when it first started happening and we all stood there together in that hospital room hearing the same thing, it was a miracle. He was still there, and he wanted to let us know.
It still brings a tear to my eyes when I write these words, and not out of sadness... but out of pure amazement and joy for all that we cannot comprehend yet experience & the amazement of what is in the realm of possibility. This was one of the last lessons that he taught me, that even in the last moments of death in this world there is still HOPE.
Coincidentally he named me Jordan Hope and I am happy that I kept my born name even though I transitioned from female to male. I felt that this name was still literally growing on me, and it still is to this day..( And also I have a tattoo in the middle of my chest that says it so... yes.... there is no running away from my essence of what and who I truly am. ) :)
After he stopped breathing, and I watched his soul leave his body.... Myself my brothers Jesse, Benjiman and my mother got into the car and started to drive home... Back to Long Island. All that while I felt that invisible part of my father hanging around the air... following us in the car, on the drive home. When we arrived three hours later I felt called to go to this beach in Southhampton... It was almost three in the morning but I still needed to go there.
Cold Springs. A place that was my fathers favorite, and a special/auspicious place. He used to ride his bike there when he was a child. My spirit and his were calling me to go there.
I had one of those Chinese Lanterns and the plan was to light it and send my fathers spirit up.
When we arrived that night in May, the air was cool and there was a little breeze. My girlfriend at the time came along and did all of the driving, as I was still pretty fucked up, exhausted, and heartbroken.... The entire drive I silently felt and witnessed to myself again my fathers spirit with me, following along in the car, potently hovering over me.
We lit the lantern , watched it go about ten feet in the air and slowly float down, landing on top of the water still burning feverishly. It was still close to the shore ... about five or seven feet away. And then in the water I saw a horse shoe crab... Crawling directly under the still burning lantern, it gave me the chills and just as it went out of view the lantern that was burning on the surface of the water.... it went out. At that moment I felt that my fathers spirit was somehow transported into the water, his spirit did not go up... but it instantly transformed into this horseshoe crab.
All of the miraculous things that I have witness with my physical eyes have been nothing in comparison to the eyes of my heart & All of the things that I have understood with my brain have always fallen short of the intelligence of my heart.
Thank you Nathaniel for teaching me so many things, and for helping me to SEE more clearly with the only eyes that truly ever mattered.
My Heart. Since 2012 I have let go of so many things that surrounded my heart... That no longer serve my highest potential... and I continue to do so, more and more. It is my super power, it is the gateway to all of my psychic abilities.
And from my heart to yours I hope that you will also open up your hearts to these somehow mysterious and miraculous events that are constantly unfolding in your lives. And that one day you nothing but pure unconditional love will surround your hearts, melting away all of those things that no longer serve us in this long run called LIFE.
Nathaniel & The Horse Shoe Crab
Jordan HOPE Miller