Updated: Jun 21, 2020
The first time that I heard the term "transgender" was from a good friend and ex-lover in 2009. They were beginning to transition and my initial reaction to them coming out was one of surprise and shock mixed with a feverish interest. Week after week I stayed up all night watching videos, reading blogs, and looking at pictures. I was completely infatuated with this concept it intrigued me so deeply.....
Why was I so interested??? A seemingly happy (lesbian identified) person who never thought of this as an option for her life.
Seeds began to grow within me and I became conscious of certain feelings that I had accepted as "normal" in the reality that I was living in was shattered every time I began to look into the mirror. This was a daunting process that started to lead me into the unknown corridors of my shadows, wants and desires. With one arm I would lift up my double d sized breasts cover them and imagine what a flat chest would look like standing in front of the mirror.. what it would feel like to be without so much weight? (literal and metaphoric weight) .This was a ritual I would do after showering for years before I heard the term transgender. The pieces started to come together.
A shiver of fear was implanted in my system simultaneously with a glimmer of joy. And with such a profound self realisation that this might be my truth the thought of what others might say, think, or how they would react were married together. So I danced around this with myself in my head for years, for five years in fact. It took the loss of my older brother to reinforce my own life and how I was going to live it. It's interesting how the death of a loved one inspires you to live and lets you know whats most important in life. Thank you Jesse.
In June of 2014 I began taking testosterone after seeing a therapist for three months which was the prerequisite in order to start hormones. I had long loathed going to sit in such a stale and sterile environment such as that . Alas my relationship to formal counselling and my aversion to it was being healed along with the new found path that I was forging. The fear I experienced was held less and less as the promise of happiness and self expression became more dominant.
My popularity in the music community of Patchogue, Long Island and the very public role of being a bartender in one of the local watering holes put my transition on display. At first I began to wear binders and dress only in "mens" clothes and then when my voice began dropping and hair started to grow on my face the questions began to roll in. I took these questions always with a light heart, because I felt that in order for anyone to be properly exposed or educated on a topic as this a level of patience was required. I opened myself up to these awkward moments. I felt that it was my personal duty and I also didn't mind it. Always prefacing my answers with the correct terminology and appropriate ways to ask a question in the future with other transgender people. I also informed them emphatically that everyone might not want to answer certain questions and spoke on the matter of entitlement, and proceeded with my personal answer.
What I witnessed within the psyche and minds with the peoples I was interacting with was a genuine heart expansion through acceptance and childlike inquisitive nature to know more. In all of the years that I transitioned I never had a negative or threatening response. I understand that this is also a privilege and a fairytale scenario in the over all dialogue of transitioning. It allowed me to love myself and surpass an enormous amount of gender dysphoria. My support system allowed me to dream bigger.
Through a spiritual lense and perspective I realise the ramifications and ripple like effect in which transitioning has and had. When you dare to dream, to be yourself or to explore a truth it inspires others to look within themselves. The most important work we can do in our lifetime is to move closer and closer to love no matter what the outside appearances and oppositions look like. And from a birds eye view... from a bigger picture perspective... anything that we do, question, or explore in order to be whole is revolutionary. We not only do for ourselves we do for humanity as a whole. We do it for our children, our children's children.
Transitioning and the transgender narrative is so relevant to the over all dialogue of what is going on in the world today. Moving away from an old paradigm one that limits expression and designates certain behaviours to gender, race, class, religion, and any other box is becoming more and more obsolete. Moving out of the imbalanced masculine towards the fluid balanced feminine.
The paradigm that separates and dictates how one should look are being challenged. The ways in which we are loving and re defining what love and relationships look like are being smashed to bits and pieces. Yes it was a selfish act to transition... it was for myself first and foremost but what it has done for others has been the most rewarding part that I have experienced in this whole thing. So I dare say .... transitioning is for others, natures additive of restoring balance to an imbalanced world.
This truth that I have witnessed continues to surprise me with every new person I meet with the interaction and intimate moments that I engage in.
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